Wednesday, December 16, 2015

I just felt the need to create a blog post about my late grandfather. It's peculiar because he's gone for more than 10 years already but the first person that popped in my mind the morning I woke up today was him, surrounded by our memories together. A sudden sadness is currently embracing me because, my love and bereavement for him are just overflowing.

At the age of 6 or 7, I lost my own superhero, Tatay. Tatay Tonio was a strict and harsh father to his children, but totally opposite to me. He's sweet, caring, loving and as I mentioned above, he acted as my superhero. He's there to defend me when my mother and aunts are scolding me. He's there to treat my wounds and comfort me when I fell down the stairs for countless times. He's there to buy me toys and candies when we're out. He's there to bring me to the carnival and ride the carousel together. He's there to love and protect me. And I know, he's still there, watching over me. I am his first grandchild and I am also his favorite. I grew up with the company of my grandparents and aunts because my parents were both working that time, my mama as a teacher and papa as an animator.

Fast forward to the night he died, I didn't exactly knew what to feel. I will not tell you the reason of his death because it's just too personal. I was and still am a kid who lost my favorite superhero. I remembered during his interment, my aunt's friend were distributing flowers to my relatives to put in Tatay's grave as a symbol of their last goodbye. She offered me one but I declined, I was just standing there in the corner, away from the crowd, preventing a single tear to fall from my eyes. I don't know what I was up to that time. I wasn't able to bid my last goodbye to him, and I regret it so much up to this point of time.

Months after Tatay died, while I was with one of my aunts, Tita Win, in the LRT, on our way to Cavite to visit her friend, there came a man who stood in front of us but avoided looking at us. He's a man that dresses and looks exactly like Tatay. And then I suddenly realized, it was him. I was so puzzled but at the same time happy. I told my aunt that Tatay's in front of us, and then she just nod and go with the flow with what I'm telling her. Still perplexed, I thought he has a lost twin. But no, he's Tatay who came to visit me. He's so real that I even touched his favorite pants that he's wearing. It was so real, though the feeling was surreal. He went down to Blumentritt station, the place of his work. He left without saying a word and without even looking at me. I was so dumb that I didn't talk to him, to ask what he's doing there where in fact he's already dead, I wasn't able to say how much I love him and bid my final goodbye. Again, I regret that moment so much. But I am thankful he chose to visit me instead of anybody else. Yes, only me, not even to Tita Win who's with me the day I saw him. I asked Tita Win a few years after that day and she told me that I was the only one who saw Tatay, she's just nodding assertively for me not to be scared.

To my Tatay, 

You know I always love you even though the days we've been together were shorter than the days I am living without you. My love for you didn't become less. Sorry for not visiting you every November 1. But I do hope you don't visit me by your presence, I might freak out and fell down the stairs again. You don't want me to acquire more scars, right? Also, you're not here anymore to treat my wounds. I hope you're happy where you are right now, I'll be praying for you. Thank you for everything. You're one of the best things that happened to me. I love you, my superhero. 'Til we meet again.

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